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La Frog

08 mars, 2010

Confused pain and mixed feelings

I love you. I miss you. I hate you.

I want to be true to myself. I want to be free. I want to know what i want and how to get it. Strong sentences that to me almost feels like cliches. Like the holy graal. It is states of minds, that you tell your self is the goal for your life, but it's unreachable goals. 'You are such a strong person' people tell me. 'To have gone through all that pain and suffering and still be standing - that takes a really strong person' they say. But I don't feel like a strong person. I feel more like a puzzle that never gets to be finished because of the pieces that got washed away before they even were put to place. I don't know why I'm still standing. But i definitely do not feel strong! And how am I supposed to finish my puzzle - my life - if I don't have all the pieces? and don't even know where to start looking for them? It sometimes feels like I'm a fetus stuck in a growing body.

My weight is everythings fault an everything is my weights fault.

I love you. And I know you loved me to.
I miss you. Why did you have to leave me before you could give me the answers I need to know so bad?
I hate you. For making me feel so cheated and like I was never enough.

I love your warm scent that always made me feel so safe even when you hurt me the most.
I miss the feeling of protection that you gave me when you hold me in your arms.
And yet I hate you so much for (unwillingly, I know that) making me feel that everything was my fault. Why didn't you protect me? Why didn't you put me first?

I dance because I want to feel close to you.
I paint my nails because it reminds me of when you did a swift nailpolishing at your desk before starting your workday every day.
I keep my hear long because it reminds me of you.
I cook the meals you once cooked for me because it makes me feel close to you.
Like a little girl. Like a daughter.
And yet, I still hate you...

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